Little A was half asleep when the bedside lamp came on. Although she didn’t open her eyes, she knew it was on. Her husband slipped his hand under her neck, embraced her, and began to kiss her. Little A squeezed her eyes shut, her heart racing, her muscles tensing. She knew the very thing she feared was about to happen again.

When they were newlyweds, Little A asked her husband why he liked to have sex with the lights on. He tenderly replied, “Because I want to see you.” She frowned and said, “I’m so thin, what’s there to look at?” For the next two years, Little A suffered from a persistent fear of sex. Every time she tried to have sex, she became extremely nervous and anxious, adopting a completely passive and uncooperative attitude. Her only thought was to get it over with as soon as possible.

The husband was baffled, unable to understand why his wife treated him this way. “I don’t know why, but every time I’m about to have sex, she gets so terrified?” he told his therapist.

“My husband always likes to have sex with the lights on, and it reminds me of something from my childhood. Even though it has nothing to do with marital affairs, I keep thinking about it,” Little A said slowly to the counselor.

“When I was little, I was very thin and weak, with a bad temper. I was timid and weak, and lacked independence. My parents were not happy with me. I remember before I started school, they insisted I sleep in a room by myself. I was terrified and begged them to let me sleep with the light on, but Mom wouldn’t allow it and would always turn it off without my permission. One night, a cat kept meowing outside my window. Terrified, I started crying. Then, the light in my room flicked on, and Mom appeared at my bedside. She leaned over, and I expected her to hug me. Instead, Mom, with a look of disdain, said, ‘Why are you crying? A cat can scare you like this. You’re such a loser. You said you wanted to be a soldier when you grow up. Stop crying and go to sleep.’ With that, she turned off the light and left. Mom hasn’t hugged me since then. Now that I’m grown up, I still feel the same: very thin, with a bad temper, and not very good. I don’t understand what my husband likes about me? Especially… why does he like my body?”

So, every time before sex, my little A first deliberately sabotaged her own mood. She believed her husband would find sex with someone like her unpleasant, and she herself found it uninteresting. However, sex still had to happen, which caused her anxiety and fear.

What was the root cause of A’s sexual phobia?

It was her parents’ overly negative attitude towards her, which led to her low self-esteem. Their disapproval from her from a young age subconsciously cultivated a sense of self-denial, leading her to subconsciously reject her husband’s approval. Furthermore, her parents’ early estrangement from physical contact instilled in her a fear of her husband’s sexual intimacy as an adult, leading to an avoidant attitude. Children who are subjected to parental criticism from a young age, forced to face and overcome their anxiety alone without receiving care and sympathy, can develop a sense of being disliked and unapproved by their family, often developing into self-loathing individuals. They often adopt a passive attitude toward sex, refusing help and believing they have no right to enjoy it. They often refuse to cooperate with their spouses and are unwilling to actively improve any negative sexual relationships. They adopt a destructive avoidance attitude toward sexual activity.

When you experience psychological problems, reminiscing about your childhood can often help you overcome psychological difficulties. As parents, we should strive to improve our early childhood education and cherish our children’s childhood. This will benefit their future.